Earlier this week, I was really struggling. I found myself in a funk.......mad at God for letting Jason die. This funk pretty much effected my entire attitude and this spilled over in just about every area of my life. I was lots of fun to be around (huge sarcasm inserted here)
One night I was putting Cooper to bed and I laid down with him and started to talk. At one point, he mentioned something about a bear statue that used to be in his room. He got really quiet and then said "that bear reminds me of daddy." I see so much of myself in Cooper.....in his lack of desire to really spill his heart and soul out. He is reserved in his grief, much like his mama. He covered his eyes with his hands and he said short little phrases...."I miss daddy playing with me"......."will I ever get to see him again?"....... We talked some about death and heaven. Then with his eyes still covered he quietly said "well, I guess we better get some sleep." That was his polite way of saying that he no longer wanted to talk about it. I laid there and stroked his arm....trying not to just explode from holding back my tears. Ugh....this whole thing is so unfair. But then again, who said it ever would be?
I'm trying to put my finger on why I'm feeling this way......what is triggering the sadness, the madness, the frustration? For the past several days, we have been busy getting my name officially changed, new drivers license, new SS card, name changed on banking accounts, adding each other to banking accounts, etc.... I feel like such a huge part of my identity is gone. I hate change. Mad at myself because I should be so very excited about all of this. Don't get me wrong...a big part of me is. Another part just hates how this all came to be.
I despise these moments and the feelings that come along with it. I want to fully enjoy life and my blessings but it seems that grief always sweeps in and taints it in some way. I know that this is just a "moment" and that it will soon pass. I already feel much better today than I did earlier this week.