Earlier this week, I was really struggling. I found myself in a funk.......mad at God for letting Jason die. This funk pretty much effected my entire attitude and this spilled over in just about every area of my life. I was lots of fun to be around (huge sarcasm inserted here)
One night I was putting Cooper to bed and I laid down with him and started to talk. At one point, he mentioned something about a bear statue that used to be in his room. He got really quiet and then said "that bear reminds me of daddy." I see so much of myself in Cooper.....in his lack of desire to really spill his heart and soul out. He is reserved in his grief, much like his mama. He covered his eyes with his hands and he said short little phrases...."I miss daddy playing with me"......."will I ever get to see him again?"....... We talked some about death and heaven. Then with his eyes still covered he quietly said "well, I guess we better get some sleep." That was his polite way of saying that he no longer wanted to talk about it. I laid there and stroked his arm....trying not to just explode from holding back my tears. Ugh....this whole thing is so unfair. But then again, who said it ever would be?
I'm trying to put my finger on why I'm feeling this way......what is triggering the sadness, the madness, the frustration? For the past several days, we have been busy getting my name officially changed, new drivers license, new SS card, name changed on banking accounts, adding each other to banking accounts, etc.... I feel like such a huge part of my identity is gone. I hate change. Mad at myself because I should be so very excited about all of this. Don't get me wrong...a big part of me is. Another part just hates how this all came to be.
I despise these moments and the feelings that come along with it. I want to fully enjoy life and my blessings but it seems that grief always sweeps in and taints it in some way. I know that this is just a "moment" and that it will soon pass. I already feel much better today than I did earlier this week.
5 comments:
I admire your honesty and I'm lifting you & the boys up in prayer today! You are right, it does seem so unfair, but you are also right in that you have been blessed throughout as well. {{Hugs}}
Thank you for your raw honesty, praying for you and your sweet boys tonight, you new Hubby too.
I can't remember how I found your blog, but I've read your story and cried and rejoiced right along with you. I guess if I was an "in real life friend," I'd just give you a hug and cry right along with you. Here's to virtual hugs, right!? I can do the crying part on this end. Saying a prayer for you and your boys.
Praying for your family!
you know that high you get during the holidays where everything is crazy? And then after New Year's, there is this sort of let down?
You have been going through that since planning your wedding and getting married and taking a honeymoon and then a trip with the boys....and then Christmas....and now, there is just this let down where your energy isn't sapped by all the motion...and these feelings are creeping back in. It is natural and will pass.....I still have you in my prayers sweetie....God will see you through this.
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